Good Coping vs. Bad Coping: Resisting the Binary.
By Anuschka Naidoo & Faiza Khalil
Guest Writers
A young brown-skinned woman in a brown hijab, looking at a phone.
Anuschka Naidoo, Registered Clinical Counsellor and Faiza Khalil, Practicum Counsellor, discuss the “coping binary” and why they believe social justice and harm reduction approaches contribute to well-being.
Anuschka:
When you think about your coping mechanisms, what comes to mind? Do you label your coping as good or bad?
As counsellors, we know our society places pervasive judgements on certain coping strategies. These judgements divide coping strategies into good and bad, which, we believe, causes harm and fosters shame. How did these labels come to be?
Faiza:
I believe that systems of colonialism, capitalism and patriarchy instilled (and maintain) some really harmful messages and beliefs about coping in difficult times. Without knowing, we can adopt these messages. I often think about how the Western ideal of being “busy” is strongly valued and admired. I see how this previously led me to compare myself with others and increased societal stigma and shame. I felt immense pressure to behave and act in ways that were unsustainable in order to be congruent with our culture.
Anuschka:
Perfectionism is one of the coping mechanisms I adopted early in my life to manage my pain. If I met the high standards of my society, culture and family, and achieved “success”, it helped minimize and suppress my insecurities and trauma. Perfectionism served me in the moment through happiness, joy and excitement about my accomplishments. The validation and recognition I received for being such a “good” coper just kept this cycle going. The benefits were that I accomplished so many of my goals: school, job, house - check! But the costs were that I was running on this hamster wheel that didn’t have an off-switch, and there was never “enough” to soothe my pain. When I couldn’t meet certain unrealistic standards, I wouldn’t try at all. I became so rigid - it was all or nothing. This left me feeling either momentary happiness or a deep shame which led to feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness and feeling trapped.
Faiza:
This past year, boundary setting has had complex outcomes. A part of me is proud of myself when I cancel plans to prioritize rest (rest is resistance!), yet another part of me is conflicted when I challenge my family’s cultural value of people-pleasing. I have had to cope with the expected emotional labour of people-pleasing by setting boundaries with loved ones. Setting boundaries to cope has left me feeling guilty and isolated at times, especially when my boundaries are being tested by others who see this coping strategy as a risky decision that might harm relationships. However, I have found it helpful to reflect on the importance of reclaiming my own power and focusing on my mental wellness. I can say no and remain as someone who is kind and thoughtful.
Anuschka:
I’m amazed by your acts of resistance! So it sounds like most people would see my coping as “positive”, and some may see your coping as “negative’” when really, these ways of coping had the opposite impact. Clearly, this binary isn’t working!
If we took a more decolonizing approach to coping, we might actually look beyond the binary and think about coping strategies on a spectrum. What are more helpful ways of redefining coping through a social justice lens?
Faiza:
We can start by noticing how the coping strategy has served us and what the costs and benefits are for this practice. Remember that everything we do has a cost - it is about what works best for you as an individual at a given time. You might choose to adopt a coping strategy that doesn’t conform to mainstream views and that’s okay! Embrace your coping with self-compassion, listen to yourself, and honour your truth.
Anuschka:
And as counsellors and fellow human beings, I think it is helpful to remove stigmatizing language and practices based in colonial beliefs. For example words like: good, bad, positive, and negative can be harmful and costly when we are talking about ways in which people are surviving. Because at the end of the day, that is exactly what we are all trying to do - survive.
Anuschka Naidoo
Anuschka (she/hers) is a Registered Clinical Counsellor. She is passionate about community service and both personal and professional self-development. She has over 8 years of combined experience counselling individuals, facilitating group therapy sessions, and developing mental health programs for the community. To support clients’ and their diverse needs, she integrates a variety of theoretical backgrounds, such as Mindfulness Based Therapies, Brief Strategic Therapy, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. With clinical experience in the fields of mental health, substance abuse and trauma, Anuschka is skilled in working with people across the lifespan and from a diverse set of backgrounds and cultural contexts.
Faiza Khalil
Faiza Khalil (she/hers) is a Practicum student at Peak Resilience. Since completing her Bachelor’s degree at UBC in 2011, Faiza has held multiple roles where she has supported clients with mental health concerns, trauma, addiction, intimate partner violence, poverty, and complex health conditions. While volunteering on the crisis line and co-facilitating a support group at Battered Women’s Support Services Faiza found meaning in helping clients experiencing gender-based violence. Faiza has also been committed to the Downtown Eastside (DTES) community for the last 8 years, including her work at Pender Community Health Centre, a mental health and addictions clinic.